Imagine it’s Friday in Lagos… You’re stuck in traffic on your way to surprise your partner with their favourite amala from that spot in Surulere. You finally get there… sweaty, tired, but proud of the effort. You hand over the food with a tired smile, expecting a warm hug or an excited: “Babe, thank you!” Instead, they glance up, mutter: “Thanks,” and go right back to their phone. You’re confused. Hurt, even.
You went out of your way to show love, so why didn’t it land?
Here’s the thing: what felt like love to you may not have felt like love to them.
Last week, we talked about how love can get lost in translation, especially when we speak different love languages. You might be trying, showing up, and doing your best, but if it’s not in a form your partner understands, it can feel like your effort is invisible.
So… How Do You Figure Out the Right Love Language?
1. Reflect on how you naturally give love: Do you enjoy writing notes? Are you always doing things for others? Chances are, your primary love language is how you express love too.
2. Think about what makes you feel most loved: Do compliments stick with you all day? Does a warm hug melt your stress? That’s a clue.
3. Pay attention to what hurts the most when it’s missing: If silence or lack of affection really affects you, your love language is likely Words of Affirmation or Physical Touch.
4. Ask directly: Sometimes the best way to learn your partner’s love language is to just ask: “What makes you feel most loved?” Or better yet, take the official love language quiz together.
How to Love Them the Way They Understand
Once you know your partner’s love language, here’s how to connect with intention:
If it’s Words of Affirmation Tell them they’re doing well. Send a quick voice note saying, “I’m proud of you.” Use your words intentionally.
If it’s Acts of Service Pick up that dry cleaning. Fix the bulb. Help her prep jollof for the party. Actions speak.
If it’s Receiving Gifts Small, thoughtful surprises, even gala and La Casera or icecream after work, can mean a lot.
If it’s Quality Time Drop the phone. Sit on the balcony and gist. Go for a walk, no distractions.
If it’s Physical Touch Hold hands at the mall. Give forehead kisses. Hug tighter, linger longer.
What to Watch Out For
• Don’t assume your partner’s love language is the same as yours.
• Avoid keeping score. love is not a competition.
• Be patient. It takes time to learn a new way of expressing love.
